The Sleep Zombie Epidemic And The Mattress Nightmares That Caused It

After weeks of coffee shortages, commuter scuffles and restless nights, the Sleep Zombie crisis is starting to take its toll on all Americans. To help prevent the spread of these Mattress Nightmares, we’ve spoken to several rehabilitated Sleep Zombies about their experiences, and what you can do if you or a loved one starts showing signs of zombification.

Sleep Zombie Symptoms

For most Sleep Zombies, symptoms come on quickly—reaching their peak after a few restless nights. According to experts, signs to watch out for include excessive yawning, caffeine cravings, and a tendency to draft awkwardly-worded emails.

“I realized things were getting serious when I couldn’t even get out of bed for Saturday morning brunch,” influencer and recently recovered Sleep Zombie Anika Charmed told T&N. “I couldn’t go out and I was looking terrible in all my selfies, even with a filter! The bags under my eyes were so bad.”

Sleep Zombie Causes

According to a recent study in the Journal of Uncomfortable Beds*, Sleep Zombification is the result of sleeping on a low-quality mattress. The study, which followed the sleep habits of 65 randomly-selected sleep zombies over a period of two-weeks, found that over half of the participants had failed to replace their mattress in the last ten years, while others were found to be sleeping on beds that were the wrong fit for their sleep type.

“A lot of other victims I’ve spoken to told me their zombification started with an old mattress,” Charmed told T&N. “But for me, it all started when I brought home a new bed from this expensive mattress store. It was supposed to have some special spring system to help me sleep better, but the mattress was so firm that I kept waking up thinking I had fallen asleep on a hardwood floor. It was kind of spooky.”

For New York resident Cyrus Snore, Sleep Zombification was simply a result of failing to replace an old mattress. “My ex-girlfriend left her old hand-me-down bed when she moved out,” Snores told T&N. “Everything was fine until one morning when I woke up sneezing uncontrollably. My bed had become HQ for millions of little dust mites and I didn’t have a clue.”

Sleep Zombie Effects

Sleep experts agree that bad mattresses are a huge factor of a bad night’s sleep, yet many victims of Sleep Zombification continue to look for a quick fix instead of getting to the root of the problem.

“I just kept watching reruns of The Office thinking it would help me fall asleep,” Snores told T&N. “Some mornings I would wake up on the couch late for work and covered in chip crumbs. At one point, I was spending over $20 a day on cold brew. Things got pretty dark for a bit.”

Sleep zombie effects include:

• Failing to get dressed until the late afternoon
• Mindlessly scrolling through social media instead of meeting deadlines
• Ordering delivery for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
• Dozing off during every movie

The Sleep Zombie Cure: Tuft & Needle

For months, life for Snores was a waking nightmare. “I was trying to recover on my own but nothing was working, so I started reaching out to friends for help,” he said. “One buddy told me he heard Tuft & Needle was curing people. He called it a miracle. It totally was.”

“You guys really helped me get my career back on track,” Charmed told us. “I got a queen-sized Mint Mattress, and now, I’m literally glowing when I wake up. I haven’t missed one of my morning workouts since.”

For Snores, life is finally back to normal. “My Tuft & Needle bed is so comfortable, I fall asleep right away,” he told us. “I don’t watch TV before bed anymore and I’m even seeing someone new. I think she loves the mattress more than I do.”

Do you know someone who’s tragically become a Sleep Zombie? Are you ready to escape the nightmare, yourself? Find the cure here. 

*All studies and parties quoted are for entertainment purposes only. But you never know what can happen after a few nights of poor sleep.